Thursday, July 03, 2008

Skank to Swank....It could happen

My sister has come up with the brilliant idea to open a finishing school for skanks. I’m not talking about the Hollywood gossip Britney Spears variety. I mean full fledged barfly, leather faced, smoking hags with frosted feathered hair whose wardrobe contains no fewer than ten black tank tops, an assortment of stonewashed jeans and at least three black leather oversized pocketbooks. Their nails are fake, their tattoos are real. These are the women one encounters at local neighborhood dives and frequently at American Legion and VFW halls. They start drinking at 10:00 in the morning and don’t stop until they are either a) dragged out of the bar by their Neanderthal boyfriends or b) pass out in their fuzzy navels. Often you will find them massacring a rendition of The Rose at the end of a long evening of karaoke. They chain smoke Marlboro lights until their voices simultaneously bark and shrill. They feel it is completely within their right to make inappropriate comments toward any non-skank who happens to wander into their territory. They wheeze when they cackle. They must be stopped. The future of American culture (the shred that’s left) must be preserved! And my sister is just the woman to do it!

Kitty is erudite without the formal education. She can talk Russian history and British government just as smoothly as she can quote from any Mel Brooks movie or any episode of “The Young Ones.” Furthermore, in all likelihood, she can draw correlations between them that no one would ever dream to imagine. She can cook like a gourmet, but also has a painful understanding of cheese whiz and Cool Whip. She’s always been an enigma. These days she’s also a bartender.

Over the course of the last few days she’s drafted the entire curriculum of her charm school, which she calls the Skank to Swank Academy, LLC. In the near future I hope to post her brilliant syllabus in installments for your reading pleasure. And ladies, until then remember – there is only one Katharine Bach.

No comments: