Thursday, July 24, 2008

Heiliger Strohsack!

Obama gives one of the best speeches ever! God, this guy makes me proud to be an American! You owe it to yourself to watch this one.

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Maybe he thinks he's Batman....

Some days a headline like this is a little gift from the Almighty. Didn't you just know that he would be an asshole driver too? Thank goodness the victim wasn't too seriously hurt.

Novak Cited After Hitting Pedestrian

Monday, July 21, 2008

When did Tom Brokaw become such a dick?

Ever since Russert left us I haven’t had the heart to watch my favorite Sunday political show, Meet the Press. I tuned in briefly when Brokaw did his first official show “on location” in Wyoming I think it was – kind of like rubber necking a car wreck – you just have to look. Anyway, after the first two minutes it was painfully clear that you cannot Meet the Press in big sky country. A brief but frantic search for the remote brought me to Face the Nation before the image of the mountain backdrop behind Chuck Todd was forever burned into the part of my brain reserved exclusively for political thought and mixology.

Yesterday I decided to give it another chance. Al Gore was the slated guest. Although I’m not necessarily a big fan of Gore I've always found him to be an engaging personality. He has important things to say and we should all listen up.

Brokaw came across as if he’d rather be having a colonoscopy than doing this interview. For someone who has been hailed as one of America’s big guns journalists, Peabody holding, Edward R. Murrow Lifetime Achievement Award winning coiner of the label, “the greatest generation” his line of questioning was about as insightful as something one would see on Entertainment Tonight.

“How often do you fly a private jet?”

“Why was it necessary for you to have a 10,000 square foot home?”

Invoking a year old viral email comparing the Bush’s eco-friendly ranch in Crawford with the Gore’s mansion in Tennessee seemed pretty lame considering that Gore has consistently clarified that he buys green energy, has a carbon-free home and has reduced his natural gas bill by 90%. Really investigative there, Tom. Your intern must have pulled an all-nighter.

However the two most dickish instances in Brokaw’s interview were the matter of fact ways in which he made statements that just aren’t true. Journalists these days seem to have an annoying habit of doing this. It’s as if they are of the belief, as is Oprah Winfrey, that if you proclaim something in an assertive voice – ideally more than once – it becomes fact.

Instance one: "I think that probably our audience understands that there is a growing consensus that climate change is real, but the debate is really, internally, how real is it…?"

There is no “debate” on how real global warming is in the scientific community. The debate stems from know nothing journalists, pundits and political figures who want to make it one. It’s doubly offensive that Brokaw felt it necessary to expound on the audience’s understanding of the issue. As if we were third graders coming to grips with the fact that there is no Santa Claus.

Instance two: "For the last two years democrats have dominated the Congress of the US – the Senate and the House of Representatives. There have been no major sweeping initiatives coming out of this democratic controlled congress. How would you characterize that?"

This bullshit statement and obviously leading follow-up question is wrong on so many levels. First of all, let’s get our time lines correct, shall we? The “democratically controlled” congress has only been in office since January of 2007. That’s a little over a year and a half – not the last two years. Secondly, congress really isn’t democratically controlled. 51 – 49 in the Senate is pretty much a power share and without a 60 vote majority nothing can get done. Naturally, Gore pointed this out. Republicans and Democrats know this all too well. Apparently the only one in the dark about the workings of the Senate is good old Tom. The House has passed many sweeping reforms that inevitably stall in the Senate or get vetoed by the jackass in chief. However, a couple of reforms have passed despite the power of the veto pen. The federal minimum wage just went up by seventy cents an hour. A pittance, yes, but since it hasn’t been raised in ten years, quite a victory for the working poor. Senator Webb’s new GI Bill passed recently, giving Iraq/Afghanistan war veterans some real money for college, etc. These are issues that wouldn’t have even been brought to the table were it not for the slim Democratic majorities in the House and Senate.

My aggravation levels were just about at full peak when I decided to switch the channel to Face the Nation and low and behold I stumbled onto something I haven’t seen in way too many moons. An oddity in the business of political coverage - an actual level headed insightful talk with no posturing or obvious slant. It was Lara Logan interviewing Barack Obama in Afghanistan. She asked the right questions, probed when answers needed probing, was respectful and most of all objective. How refreshing - an adult conversation without pandering cheap shots! I believe I have a new favorite Sunday news show.

Tuesday, July 08, 2008

Eliminus Skankus

“Eliminating low-life behavior in society one skank at a time.”

The Basics:

Skank to Swank is a finishing school that provides women between the ages of 25 – 50 with the skills necessary to overcome skankiness and mix comfortably in polite society. Through theory and practical education our students will easily become part of any social circle from lower-level municipal employees’ wives to the mistresses of Heads of State both elected and crowned. Our school offers students three customized programs of study:

  1. Six-Month Certification program: This course of study offers the student a five credit course study with 100 hours of practical education in various settings. Upon completion of the program, the student becomes a CFS (Certified Former Skank) and receives a certificate.
  1. One-Year Accelerated Degree program: This course of study is available to students who have met the placement requirement grade of EE (Exceeds Expectations) on written testing. Academics consist of ten credits with three elective credits and two hundred hours of practical education. Upon completion the student receives their diploma and level one degree in Anti-Skankology and Practical Bar-Scagitude.
  1. Two-Year Matriculated Degree program: This is a graduate program open to students who have a level one degree and wish to become a Master of Etiquette. Students with three “O” level grades or better will be considered. Twenty-five course credits are required with 300 hours of practical education. Four elective credits and 100 hours of externship are required. Upon completion the student receives a level 2 diploma with a Master’s in Anti-Skankology, Advanced Bar-Scagitude, General Low-Life studies and a Master’s in Swankness.

All students wishing to be considered for enrollment will possess the following:

- Female between the ages of 25 – 50 years old

- Proof of skankiness and/or hag tendencies (i.e. former or current substance/alcohol abuse, proof of incarceration, two or more out-of-wedlock offspring with multiple fathers, tattoos of the following varieties: butterflies, roses, hearts, any symbols hereof in association to motorcycles and/or groups of clubs of this nature, any ink located on the lower back or abdomen).

- Proof of general low-lifeness (i.e. artificial nails exceeding one inch or longer, colored inappropriately; feathered hair with over-processed coloring; bruises and/or missing and discolored teeth; drives a vehicle with airbrushed detail of any kind; one or more black tank tops; excessive wearing of silver jewelry; black leather clothing other than shoes or purses with a chain decoration of any kind; articles of clothing that have been “cut off” in any capacity; uses profanity in a three word to one swear ratio; addresses other females as, “honey,” “hun,” “girlfriend” or “sweetie;” has naturally or artificially tanned themselves to no lighter than a mahogany or walnut finish.

Grade levels are as follows:

O – Outstanding

EE – Exceeds Expectations

A – Acceptable

D – Dreadful

T – Troll

Course descriptions coming soon.

Thursday, July 03, 2008

Skank to Swank....It could happen

My sister has come up with the brilliant idea to open a finishing school for skanks. I’m not talking about the Hollywood gossip Britney Spears variety. I mean full fledged barfly, leather faced, smoking hags with frosted feathered hair whose wardrobe contains no fewer than ten black tank tops, an assortment of stonewashed jeans and at least three black leather oversized pocketbooks. Their nails are fake, their tattoos are real. These are the women one encounters at local neighborhood dives and frequently at American Legion and VFW halls. They start drinking at 10:00 in the morning and don’t stop until they are either a) dragged out of the bar by their Neanderthal boyfriends or b) pass out in their fuzzy navels. Often you will find them massacring a rendition of The Rose at the end of a long evening of karaoke. They chain smoke Marlboro lights until their voices simultaneously bark and shrill. They feel it is completely within their right to make inappropriate comments toward any non-skank who happens to wander into their territory. They wheeze when they cackle. They must be stopped. The future of American culture (the shred that’s left) must be preserved! And my sister is just the woman to do it!

Kitty is erudite without the formal education. She can talk Russian history and British government just as smoothly as she can quote from any Mel Brooks movie or any episode of “The Young Ones.” Furthermore, in all likelihood, she can draw correlations between them that no one would ever dream to imagine. She can cook like a gourmet, but also has a painful understanding of cheese whiz and Cool Whip. She’s always been an enigma. These days she’s also a bartender.

Over the course of the last few days she’s drafted the entire curriculum of her charm school, which she calls the Skank to Swank Academy, LLC. In the near future I hope to post her brilliant syllabus in installments for your reading pleasure. And ladies, until then remember – there is only one Katharine Bach.