Tuesday, July 08, 2008

Eliminus Skankus

“Eliminating low-life behavior in society one skank at a time.”

The Basics:

Skank to Swank is a finishing school that provides women between the ages of 25 – 50 with the skills necessary to overcome skankiness and mix comfortably in polite society. Through theory and practical education our students will easily become part of any social circle from lower-level municipal employees’ wives to the mistresses of Heads of State both elected and crowned. Our school offers students three customized programs of study:

  1. Six-Month Certification program: This course of study offers the student a five credit course study with 100 hours of practical education in various settings. Upon completion of the program, the student becomes a CFS (Certified Former Skank) and receives a certificate.
  1. One-Year Accelerated Degree program: This course of study is available to students who have met the placement requirement grade of EE (Exceeds Expectations) on written testing. Academics consist of ten credits with three elective credits and two hundred hours of practical education. Upon completion the student receives their diploma and level one degree in Anti-Skankology and Practical Bar-Scagitude.
  1. Two-Year Matriculated Degree program: This is a graduate program open to students who have a level one degree and wish to become a Master of Etiquette. Students with three “O” level grades or better will be considered. Twenty-five course credits are required with 300 hours of practical education. Four elective credits and 100 hours of externship are required. Upon completion the student receives a level 2 diploma with a Master’s in Anti-Skankology, Advanced Bar-Scagitude, General Low-Life studies and a Master’s in Swankness.

All students wishing to be considered for enrollment will possess the following:

- Female between the ages of 25 – 50 years old

- Proof of skankiness and/or hag tendencies (i.e. former or current substance/alcohol abuse, proof of incarceration, two or more out-of-wedlock offspring with multiple fathers, tattoos of the following varieties: butterflies, roses, hearts, any symbols hereof in association to motorcycles and/or groups of clubs of this nature, any ink located on the lower back or abdomen).

- Proof of general low-lifeness (i.e. artificial nails exceeding one inch or longer, colored inappropriately; feathered hair with over-processed coloring; bruises and/or missing and discolored teeth; drives a vehicle with airbrushed detail of any kind; one or more black tank tops; excessive wearing of silver jewelry; black leather clothing other than shoes or purses with a chain decoration of any kind; articles of clothing that have been “cut off” in any capacity; uses profanity in a three word to one swear ratio; addresses other females as, “honey,” “hun,” “girlfriend” or “sweetie;” has naturally or artificially tanned themselves to no lighter than a mahogany or walnut finish.

Grade levels are as follows:

O – Outstanding

EE – Exceeds Expectations

A – Acceptable

D – Dreadful

T – Troll

Course descriptions coming soon.

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