Email of the week....

We're all used to getting the occasional email from the government of Sweden informing us that we've just won the national lottery or the former finance minister of Zimbabwe offering us a hefty percentage of the $2 million he needs to safely transfer to a US bank.

Today the ballsiest of all requests arrived in my in box and I feel obligated to share this patriotic audacity with you, fair reader. I especially like that part about the prisoners confessing after being tortured, and their amazing find of an undisclosed number of "nuclearweapons."

Just in case you feel the need to thank this "patriot" for his service you can email him at his shell account: marthins974@msn.com. American scam artists are getting so sloppy lately. They seem to be running out of ideas at an alarming pace.

I am Steve Marthins from the hospitality state (Mississippi), of the US Marine Force on Monitoring and Peace –keeping mission in Baghdad-Iraq.

On the 21st day of December 2008, we were alerted on the sudden presence of some Terrorists camping in a suburb not too far from Karbala here in Iraq. After Immediate intervention, we captured three (3) of the Terrorists, twenty-six (26) were killed leaving seven (7) injured.

In the process of torture they confessed being rebels for late Ayman al-Zawahiri and took us to a cave in Karbala which served as their camp. Here we recovered several guns, bombs and other Ammunitions including some boxes among which two contains nuclearweapons, one filled with hard drugs(cocaine) and the other four to my amazement contain some US Dollars amounting to $23.2M a fter I and two of my junior intelligent officers counted them.

I however instructed them to keep this in high secrecy.

I am in keen need of a “Reliable and Trustworthy” person like you who would receive, secure and protect these boxes containing the US Dollars for me up on till my assignment elapses in here in Iraq.

I assure and=2 0promise to give you 15% of this fund, however feel free to
negotiate what you wish to have as your percentage in this
business.

Please assure me of your keeping this topmost secret to protect my job with the US Monitoring and Peace-Keeping mission.
Please for the confidentiality of this deal.
Kind Regards,
Steve Marthins

Stamford Morons....

(TIA ANN CHAPMAN / HARTFORD COURANT / March 27, 2009)

Bob Cesca pointed this one out on his blog today. You can imagine my shame and horror when I realized they were Connecticut morons. This photo was taken at a "Tea Bag Protest" in Stamford. I guess the wingnuts are everywhere. It's sad that people are protesting in one of the wealthiest and highest educated sections of Connecticut - and these two Stepford beauties probably have spouses bringing in six bills a year or higher - yet they didn't feel the need to consult a dictionary or a history book. Frightening and sad.

As if Bush wasn't enough of a national embarassment....

There are thousands of real journalists all over America - people who have actually been trained to cover news stories and report on them - who can't land even an assignment editor's position at the local rag for $10 an hour. Yet this jackass, Joe the Plumber, who obviously isn't capable of formulating a coherent sentence on film, let alone on paper, gets the gig of a lifetime and travels to Israel to cover the fighting in the Gaza strip.

A real journalist would be formulating questions, obtaining details about military and cultural history and interviewing as many significant players as they can find.

Not Joe. No, he wastes his time bitching about how there should be no war correspondents (except him?) and asking the most asinine, base questions, to....wait for it....another journalist! To quote the great Ron White, "you can't fix stupid."

Here's a taste. I recommend washing it down with a double shot of bourbon:

JOE: The story here is people are being killed and the media's slanting it and trying to make it Hamas is, uh, as far as, that Israel's being bad. Do you believe Israel is bad?

REPORTER: Do I believe it?

JOE: Yeah, do you?!

REPORTER: I'm Israeli, so...

JOE: So answer the question!

REPORTER: No, I don't think Israel is bad.

JOE: Do you think Israel has every right to protect itself?

REPORTER: Yeah.

[pause]

JOE: You do?!

REPORTER: Yeah.

JOE: Have you said that on air?

REPORTER: I'm just a reporter.

Read the full report here if you have the stomach:

"Joe the Plumber Fights With Israeli Reporter"

In absurd news today....

It appears that we do in fact live in the bizzaro world after all. Just in time for Christmas, Joe the Plumber will be publishing his book. Do I feel like puking? Absolutely. In less time than it takes to publish a comic book, this douche bag will produce a full length manifesto. Of course, he's not really writing it. One can be fairly certain that he can't put together a coherent sentence on paper, let alone a full length book. However, there you have it America. A total moron with what could potentially be a multi-million dollar book deal. What a country!


"Joe the Plumber Book Due Out In December"

Commence banging head on desk.....now!

An Open Letter to Undecided Voters....

Dear UV,

For the past several months you have had your collective ass kissed on a daily basis by both candidates in an attempt to sway your sorry low-information thought process in their direction. Endless rallies, mailers, television commercials and emails have bombarded you with truth and lies about where Obama and McCain stand on the basic issues that affect all of us, yes, even you, though you may be too stupid to realize it.

We’ve seen your like on countless news shows expounding your opinions and your perceived knowledge of the political process, and we hear the same tired lowest common denominator responses, “I just don’t know.” “I can’t really see any difference between the two candidates.” You really just aren’t listening! Maybe it’s good old fashioned American ADHD taking hold. Perhaps the concepts are too far above your level of understanding. Whatever the reason, you’ve been coddled long enough.

The poster child for your ilk – though he has apparently chosen a side – is Joe the Plumber. This douche bag of the first water has no business even casting a vote because he has no fundamental understanding of anything. When Obama gave him a thorough answer to his ridiculous pie in the sky question about the potential earnings of the business he wants to buy (though has absolutely no means whatsoever to purchase said business) he likened Obama to Sammy Davis, Jr. tap dancing around the issue. Here’s part of Obama’s “unclear” answer:

Obama said, "First off, you would get a 50% tax credit so you'd get a tax cut for your healthcare costs….. if your revenue is above 250 – then from 250 down, your taxes are going to stay the same. It is true that from 250 up – from 250 – 300 or so, so for that additional amount, you’d go from 36 to 39%, which is what it was under Bill Clinton. And the reason why we’re doing that is because 95% of small businesses make less than 250. So what I want to do is give them a tax cut. I want to give all these folks who are bus drivers, teachers, auto workers who make less, I want to give them a tax cut. And so what we’re doing is, we are saying that folks who make more than 250 that that marginal amount above 250 – they’re gonna be taxed at a 39 instead of a 36% rate.”

For the full exchange click here.

Both candidates have provided the masses with clear plans on how they will govern if elected. Obama has a 63 page plan called The Blueprint for Change. It’s pretty comprehensive and chock full of new ideas. You might want to take a glance at it. That is, of course, if you can focus for more than 30 seconds. McCain also has a plan. It’s not as in-depth as Obama’s (Republican plans are notoriously vague and McCain’s is no exception), but it’s something. Very clearly set out. It will take you less time to digest, so why don’t you start there.

The contrast between these two candidates and their philosophies is literally black and white. If you can’t find some agreement with either plan, then frankly, you just shouldn’t bother to vote. It pains me to think that your vote is as legitimate as mine, but such is the rule of a democracy. I’ve studied the facts, stressed through the insults and scandals, registered voters and tried my best to do my patriotic duty as an American by staying as informed as possible. Meanwhile, you’ve been watching reruns of The Gilmore Girls and reading way too many anonymous emails. So at this late stage in the game let me offer a tid-bit of advice. When you are eenee-meeny-miny-mowing your way through the ballot tomorrow, please start with McCain.

Top Five Superficial Reasons Why I Hate Sarah Palin....

1. She met Bono

2. Guest stint on SNL

3. $150K on fancy new duds

4. Hall of fame for all time stupidest kids' names

5. That ridiculous accent

Qualin Fever...Catch it!

This is an actual quote from an interview done with Mrs. Palin yesterday. I shit you not:

QUESTION: (FOX) Are you going to continue to link Obama to Ayers with all of the economic problems going on?

A: Well, Americans are caring about the problems in the economy of course And wanting to know what those long term solutions are that our ticket can provide and what the other ticket is proposing so when you talk though about what it is that we are proposing and what it is that Barack Obama is proposing again it is relevant to connect that association that he has with Ayers--not so much he as a person Ayers, but the whole situation and the truthfulness and the judgment there that you must question if again he's not being forthright in all of his answers as to how did you know him, when did you know him, why would you continue to be associated with him!? It makes you wonder about the forthrightedness, the truthfulness of the plans that he is telling America in regards to the economic recovery because that is first and foremost on American's minds."

You're now free to bang your head repeatedly on your desk.

I think I'm gonna be sick....

Today I read something on the Huffington Post that so sickened me that I’m starting to believe that a health mishap to either McCain or Palin wouldn’t be such a bad thing. Apparently, these two jokers have their base so riled up that shouts of “kill him” and “terrorist” can be heard when Obama’s name is invoked. I imagine my feelings at the moment aren’t all that different from rational people’s feelings as recent as the mid-sixties when blatant, violent, in-your-face racism ruled the day for way too much of the American landscape. It’s more than an outrage. It’s the basis for a cultural revolution.

I’ve always been a little taken aback when it comes to Republicans. They are, for all intents and purposes, the epitome of low information voters. They have nothing to argue because they don’t even understand the argument. I can admire someone like William F. Buckley, Jr., who actually had the intellectual capacity and, yes I dare say it, the breeding, to rationally debate his ultra conservative views. The hacks who now are in charge of the conservative agenda are a disgraceful motley crew of angry, bigoted opportunists who aren’t fit to work in the Buckley stables, let alone as his surrogates in the post neo-con vortex that we find ourselves in today.

When John McCain clinched the republican nomination I thought to myself, well, at least he’s only half crazy. All the things I’d heard about him (admittedly, I am not a follower of McCain and never really gave him much thought) pointed to a guy who seemed rational, someone who could be trusted. The media loved him. He promised to run his campaign with dignity and focus on the issues. There would be no mud slinging. I was excited for the first time to be a part of a presidential campaign unlike any other, consisting of two candidates with stark differences who could articulate them to the American people. They wanted us to be informed. Granted, all political campaigns have a degree of attack ads and smears. It’s part of the territory and we all expect some level of it. But today it has crossed the line into violence inciting inflammatory rhetoric that must not be tolerated under any circumstance. Instead of McCain distancing himself from these morons, who unfortunately make up a large part of his base, he encourages them. When one of these sons of the south called for Obama to be killed during a McCain rally hosted by Sarah Palin, she didn’t even flinch. Holy shit.

Tonight’s debate is scheduled to take place in Nashville, in a town hall type setting with the audience asking the questions. The situation could not be more favorable to McCain, as he’s been harping about doing one of these with Obama since the beginning. I have no doubt that Obama will do brilliantly. However, it is my sincere hope that a member of this audience has the balls to ask Senator McCain why he insists on comparing Obama to a terrorist and how he can ignore calls for Obama’s lynching at his rallies while simultaneously calling himself a patriotic American.

A Soldier's Take on the Bullshit of the RNC....

This post just reiterates what I've been saying about the RNC, only much more eloquently and with more gravitas. Jon Stoltz is the co-founder of VoteVets.org and has served in Operation Iraqi Freedom.


"How Did the RNC Insult the Troops and Veterans? Let Me Count the Ways..."

An all time low in Republican goonery...

Can they stoop any lower? The lies, the gross distortions and the really bad music pale in comparison to this latest pseudo-patriotic stunt. I realize that the Bush administration and its uber-goons have banned photographers and journalists from military funerals, even at the request of the families, but to use actors and a staged funeral in one of their RNC "we're so proud of our brave men and women" videos is as sickening as it gets.

Fake Soldiers Used In RNC Video

My friends, it was neither remarkable nor fascinating...

Last night's "conversation" between the presidential candidates and the high king of Christian goonery was pretty banal as far as I'm concerned. No big surprises or revelations. McCain was tolerable and Obama once again proved that he is a thinking man and was very frank about his religion and his views on the hot button issues like marriage and abortion. Whether or not the fact that Obama actually uses his gift of cognitive thought to make important decisions was a selling point among a group, who all too frequently suspends rational discourse in favor of letting Jesus handle everything, remains to be seen.

The strongest impact the program had on me personally was the drinking game I concocted over the three hour extravaganza. Every time someone said "my friends," "remarkable" or "fascinating" I took a drink. Needless to say I was quite plastered by the end of the evening. And might I recommend drinking Absinthe during this type of mental ping pong - it really illuminates the ridiculousness of the whole process like nothing else.

You know….Morons!

The cable news channels and American news media in general have completely gone off the rails this week with yet more asinine hyperbole from the political “race” to the White House. I honestly don’t know why I keep tuning in. I guess you could say it’s like crack to this journalism school drop out. I’d like to be able to state with unwavering confidence that my addiction to sensationalized headlines and political games has reached its zenith and will now begin the long slow descent to the bottom of priorities in my mind numbingly boring life. But alas, I am an addict and all addicts lie. Maybe I should just stop pretending and willingly offer my body and soul to the television news gods/pushers who offer no explanations, accountability or apology. Kind of like my father – but that’s a whole other issue that need not be hashed in this forum.

The first tantalizing tid bit to come over the airwaves was John McCain’s absurd assertion that a “spokesperson” for Hamas has indicated to the McCain campaign that the much feared (though democratically elected political party in Palestine) wants Barack Obama to win the presidency and that he himself would be “Hamas’ worst nightmare.” Two things pissed me off about this ridiculous statement. First, no one disputes that Hamas is a terrorist organization and that Barack Obama regards it as such. The mere suggestion that somehow a vote for Obama brings all mighty America one step closer to defeat by radical Islamists plays directly into the biggest fears of the dimwitted, bible thumping non-thinking sector of the population, which I grant you, is huge. But the second, more infuriating point that had me throwing cat toys at the TV was that not one journalist or pundit actually had the cahones to ask the Maverick why his campaign was getting PR statements from Hamas. Does this so-called spokesman (I highly doubt they’d employ a woman being a radical Islamic organization) have the McCain campaign headquarters on speed dial? Do they exchange emails frequently? Inquiring minds want to know! And now, to add insult to injury, Connecticut’s own traitor, Joe “Fuck You Democrats” Lieberman, has gone on CNN reasserting the Hamas for Obama claim. I realize he’s no different than any other self serving blow hard politician but I always figured him for having more brains than this.

Speaking of brains, and a disappointing example of their temporary absence, I give you the week’s number two campaign / news media fuck up. Hillary Clinton and her famous hard working white uneducated Americans comment. All of this apparently justified as something that came out of the Associated Press. This kind of desperation is breaking my heart! To imply that she’s got this very special and apparently vast swath of the white vote completely sewn up takes the conversation to an all new low not visited since the Geraldine Ferraro gab fest last March. Sadly, the apprehension in Hillary’s voice comes through crystal clear in the now famous audio that has made the rounds of all the networks and Sunday talking head shows. She knew exactly what she was saying, how she was saying it and what the fallout for Obama would be. And the hesitation between her words also indicates that she’s fully aware and knows bullshit when she’s spewing it. I wonder whose brilliant idea it was for her to make such a stupid statement? Was it Bill and his mastery of word usage? (Remember how he could dispute the meaning of the word “the”?) What about that total tool Terry McAuliffe? I don’t know, but I do care. If by a snowball’s chance in Hell she is the Democratic nominee I’ll have to vote for her. I used to like her. She’s brilliant, dedicated and tough as nails. However, she’s also narcissistic, pandering and pig headed. I’d have qualms, big ones, about pulling that lever for another Clinton administration. On the other hand, the comedy would remain strong. By the way, one of today's AP headlines reads, "Clinton Outwardly Confident Even as Hopes Dim." I wonder if she'll be quoting that one.

All weekend long I’ve been reminded of that famous scene in Blazing Saddles where the Waco Kid explains to the new Sheriff about the simple country folk he would now be charged to protect. "They're the salt of the earth. You know, morons."

“They died because of a mosquito bite…”

Today, apparently, is Malaria Awareness Day. I know this because President Bush decided to pay our fair city of Hartford a visit to make a speech about it. He chose to speak at the Boys & Girls Club in the historic “north end” to mark this seemingly irrelevant occasion. I mean no disrespect to the cause of helping eradicate malaria, which is totally relevant, noble and good. The irrelevancy is simply Bush’s choice of location.

The official story is that the national organization of the Boys & Girls Club has raised $25,000 to pay for 2,000 mosquito nets for Africa. Of course, if one considers the cost of the jet fuel it took to bring Air Force One to Bradley International Airport, providing secret service detail and the thousands of Connecticut commuters who were late for work this morning because of the nightmare traffic jam this visit caused, the $25,000 doesn’t seem like all that much money. Why couldn't he just stay home and match those funds? Donate them to the cause in the name of the Boys & Girls Club of America. Even better - go all USAID and be sure the giant check is stamped for all to see, "From the American People."

Maybe Bush felt it was necessary to the country’s standing in the world to acknowledge this historic day via a photo op and a speech full of talking points while surrounded by a bunch of black kids from a good old fashioned American inner city. Granted, the very first Boys & Girls club was founded in Hartford, however the national headquarters is in Atlanta.

So what do malaria and the north end of Hartford have in common? Absolutely nothing. But before I get into the real reason for Bush’s sojourn into the Nutmeg state, here are some Connecticut fun facts:

• 30% of Hartford residents live below the poverty line. That ranks Hartford second in the nation after Brownsville, Texas. Not bad, considering Hartford is the capital city of the "richest state in the union."
  
• The per capita income of the average Hartford resident is $13,428. The average rent for a two bedroom apartment in Hartford is $800 per month.
• In Connecticut, a child is born into poverty an average of every 2 hours. It is also a statistical fact that everyday a Connecticut child dies before his or her first birthday.
• On average, a Connecticut child is killed by gunfire every three weeks.

Now onto the real reason why “W” graced us with his presence today. He spent the afternoon at Henry Kissinger’s house in Kent helping to raise money for the Republican congressional candidate, David Cappiello. At this $500 per ticket event, one could hob-knob with the likes of Kissinger, Representative Chris Shays and other Republican pukes. For $10,000 you could get your picture taken with the president. This junket was fully financed with taxpayer money because of the pit stop (pit being the operative word) in Hartford. How cute. For those of you who aren’t aware, Cappiello is challenging the Democratic incumbent, Chris Murphy for his seat in the House of Representatives. You might recall that Murphy handed Nancy Johnson her ass in the 2006 election.

Don't let the door hit you in the ass on your way out...

Well, tonight is the night. Dubya’s final State of the Union. An event I’ve been dreaming about since 2001. The final report from the most corrupt presidential administration in American history. The coda, if you will, on seven years of conflicting stories, fabricated scenarios and outrageous lies that have quite possibly done irreparable harm to the Constitution and the future of the rule of law and its role in helping to govern our “great” nation. This administration managed to smash the mirror in which we as Americans see ourselves in relation to the world and we’ve been sitting shiva ever since. But today my friends, the seven year streak of bad luck has ended.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about those who didn’t live to relish this moment, those who would share my sense of relief and giddy apprehensive joy like Molly Ivins and Hunter S. Thompson. Voices of reason in an increasingly unreasonable world. But there are new voices and a sense of hope that has begun to seep into the country’s wounded psyche. We’re teetering on that brink of possibility. Of course, we can just as easily fall over the edge into an abyss of shit beyond our wildest dreams. But I think the Kool Aid is starting to wear off and folks are more lucid and balanced. It was all those meditation and yoga sessions we collectively took to take our minds off the pending apocalypse of the last seven years.

As the nation cautiously registers what will hopefully be an insignificant speech, we can all take solace in the fact that we will never again have to hear about the state or our country through the medium of this bumbling lunatic. Pray that he finishes up without another “axis of evil” sound bite or worse, having planted the seeds for a new declaration of war. Perhaps we’ll have a bird’s eye view of Bush’s farewell kiss to Joe Lieberman. Ahh, I’m all warm and fuzzy.

Speaker Pelosi, make sure they lock the doors – don’t let Rove get in – he has a mental connection with the president and can make him say anything! Senator Dodd, always stay in the President’s line of sight, especially when he starts rambling on about FISA. And for God’s sake, don’t look Cheney directly in the eye, his gaze will render you powerless. Fixate on George, he doesn’t know how to look anyone in the eye. You know your mission. You've been preparing for this moment for years. Don't blow it. We're counting on you. Make us proud, or at the very least, keep my nausea at bay.